This post may seem out of place – yes, it is written in English, my very first non-Chinese blog post! It stands out pretty weird, especially amidst this oriental wordpress theme that you see here.
I have been pondering over the past few days whether to start a blog post ever in English, say just to toy with the idea on how fast I can really think and type in English as compared to that being done in Chinese. I finally decided that I shall procrastinate no further.
Fear Factor
This is something that I did not intend to do when I initially started out this Chinese blog. I was determined to write and express myself in my mother tongue, purely because it is really my first or rather, my native language, albeit English being my official language in Schools and Workplaces. Since young, I converse (and quarrel) with my parents and sibling in Chinese, I chit-chat with my best pals in Chinese, I pour out my sorrows or share my deepest thoughts with my soul mate (hubby) in Chinese and both of us read Chinese newspaper virtually everyday. So you see, English is more like a 2nd language to me, in that sense. And this is perhaps strange to most, especially in a place called Singapore and for people of my age-group. Well, after all, English has been a dominant Language since the early 1970s where new political landscape formed and government policies rooted to adopting this ‘foreign language’ from the legacy from our colonial era.
Days before, I started to evaluate why did I choose to express myself purely in Chinese and refrain from writing in English? I finally reasoned that it is primarily because I REALLY cannot converse/ communicate/ argue/ quarrel/ scold or even joke better than the native language that I knew. It was a fear factor all along. I hate to reveal the deficiency in me, for not being that bilingual that I’ve thought or wanted myself to be. So I avoided and seek refuge in my comfort zone. I was simply, a coward. Now it may seems I’m being harsh to myself, but I realized I have been cowardice in several other ways throughout my entire life. I’ll probably confess them all in my future posts, but for now, I’ll keep to topic.
A Haunting Shadow
So, let us get back to fear factor. I have had problem scoring decent grades for my English Language examinations for most of my secondary school exams but each time, I managed to scrapped through. But still, worst of all, I eventually failed when it mattered the most – I received a D7 for my final O level EL paper. It was a devastating moment and thereafter I was completely in a self-denial state where my confidence hit rock-bottom! Anyway, that was history now. What I’m trying to say is that my prior experience had molded me into thinking that I’m really bad in story/essay-writing (but I’m fine with writing work reports, actually), so this assumption had instilled into my head all these while 15 years ago. You could say it was perhaps a self-inflicted fear all along. I could not let go of this 15-year old haunting shadow simply because of my lack of courage and determination.
I started to think seriously that this is going to be a huge obstacle for me if I do not ever want to face this hidden shadow dauntlessly. Hence, a more proactive way to overcome this long-time fear is probably just to think no more, face it head-on, right here, right now – and what better way to kick start it from my own blog-writing, expressing and practicing everyday in my very own style.
It is Time-Consuming
Another push factor is probably because I’m really slow in typing Chinese characters, i.e if compared to the Chinese/Taiwan/HK nationals whom I would really call experts in typing Chinese characters. But of course, it is no doubt this is their native and most comfortable language so much so that they have to be intuitively capable of. Lame excuse for me? maybe. Perhaps I did not even bother to improve or that is pure laziness for me not to learn the typing software hard enough. So how slow was it slow for me to type in Chinese after all? Typically, it took me about an hour and 1/2 or so to complete a 1000-word essay in Chinese, which I would really call time-consuming, and much of the time was probably spent in repeatedly backspacing errors or trying to find an alternate Chinese idiom that I could possibly find to express myself more impressively in the post?
All these so-called hassles are getting on my nerves, at least it is taunting me every time an idea for a new post came through my mind but I’m practically refusing or procrastinating to pen them all down, simply of my lethargy in typing Chinese. I lamented that this is not right – I have refused to write in English and worse now, in Chinese just because I thought the typing is a seemingly a chore to me? But until I have successfully conquered the learning curve in using the typing software more efficiently, I reckon it would be wiser and easier for me to not to insisting in having an All-Chinese blog anymore. I hope I do not sound too skimpy in that respect.
My Verdict
Having said all and to think grandiosely, I reckon I will still continue to express myself in in Chinese writings (whenever I feel like and is confident to complete in maybe less than an hour or so) and English being the ‘newly-adopted’ in my blog, will play a more active role here. I love my Chinese language, and that is not going to change now nor perpetually in the future, but I gather it’s going to save me quite a awful lot of my time for my other important stuffs – something of my top priority now.
Ok, so I have decided to confront my fear#1 today and hopefully I am able to realized what I’ve committed. At least I will try…and will see how I fared…
