This post may seem out of place – yes, it was written in English, my very first non-chinese post! It stands out pretty wierd, especially in this oriental setting of my wordpress theme that you see here.
I have been pondering over the past few days whether to start a blog post ever in English, say just to toy with the idea on how fast I can really think and type in English as compared to that being done in Chinese. I decided that I shall procrastinate no further.
Fear Factor
This is something that I did not intend to do when I initially started out this blog. I was determined to write and express myself in my mother tongue, purely because it is really my first or rather, my native language, albeit English being my official language in School and Workplaces. Since young, I have conversed (and even quarelled) with my parents and sibling in Chinese , I chit-chat with my best pals in Chinese, I pour out my sorrows or share my deepest thoughts with my soulmate (hubby) in Chinese and both of us read Chinese newspaper virtually everyday. So you see, English is more like a 2nd language to me, in that sense. And this is perhaps strange, especially in a place called Singapore and for people of my age-group. Well, afterall, English has been a dominant Language since the early 1970s where new political landscape formed and government policies rooted to adopting a ’foreign langauge’ from the legacy from our colonial era.
Days before, I started to evaluate why did I choose to express myself purely in Chinese. I finally reasoned that it is primarily because I REALLY cannot converse/ communicate/ argue/ quarrel/ scold or even joke better than the native language that I knew. It was a fear factor all along. I hate to reveal the deficiency in me, for not being that bilingual that I’ve thought or wanted myself to be. So I avoided and seek refuge in my comfort zone. I was simply, a coward. Now it may seem I’m being harsh to myself, but I realised I have been cowardish in several other ways througout my entire life. I’ll probably confess them all in my future posts, but for now, I’ll keep to topic.
It is Time-Consuming
Another major push factor is probably because I’m really slow in typing Chinese characters, i.e if compared to the Chinese/Taiwan/HK nationals whom I would really call experts in typing Chinese characters. But of course, it is no doubt this is their native and most comfortable language so much so that they have to be intuitively capable of. Lame excuse for me? maybe. Perhaps I did not even bother to improve or that is pure laziness for me not to learn the typing software hard enough. So how slow was it slow for me to type in Chinese afterall? Typically, it took me about an hour and 1/2 or more to complete a 1000-word essay in Chinese, which I would really call time-consuming, and much of the time was probabaly spent in backspacing errors or trying to find an alternate Chinese idiom that I could possibly find to express myself more impressively in the post?
All these so-called hassles are getting on my nerves, at least it is taunting me everytime an idea for a new post came through my mind but I’m practically refusing/ proscratinating to pen them all down. This is not right, I lamented – I have refused to write in English and now, in Chinese just because I thought the typing is a chore to me?? I mean something here just needs to be resolved, right?
A Huanting Shadow
I have had bad experience scoring decent grades for my English Language examinations, for most of my school term exams, but managed to scrapped through each time. But still, worst of all, I failed when it matters the most – I passed my ‘O’ level EL papers. It was a devestating period and I was completely in a self-denial state where my confidence hit rock bottom! Anyway, thats history now. What I’m trying to say that my prior experience had molded me into thinking I’m really bad in story-writing (but I’m fine with writing work reports, surprising), so this assumption had instilled into my head at that very moment 15 years ago till these days. I started to seriously think that this is going to be a huge obstable for me if I do not want to face this hidden shadow dauntlessly. Hence, a better way to overcome this long-time fear is probably just to face it head-on, right here, right now – and what better way to start it from my own blog-writing, expressing and practising everyday in my very own style.
My verdict
So, to think grandiosely and conclude, I reckon I will still continue to express myself in in Chinese writings (whenever I feel like and am confident to complete in maybe less than an hour) and English being the newly-adopted in my blog, will play a more dominant role here. I love the Chinese lanaguge, and that is not going to change now nor perpertually in the future, but I gather it’s going to save me quite a awful lot of my time for my other stuffs, which is of my top priority now.
Ok, so I’ve decided and managed to confront my fear#1 today, it sure calls for a celebration right? 
